a manic affair
Written: 1/20/2026
I have found my hands grasping lately-
at distractions from
or solutions to
the problems I see around me.
It's interesting how both seem to keep standing me up these days;
leaving just me and the problem alone in the room.
I heard someone say that humans have this ineffable need to respond or react to problems,
when sometimes we must learn to simply be in the problem's presence
and hold compassion for ourselves and each other-
with no distractions, with no solutions.
Understanding that nature and life at its best is a manic and relentless undoing
and redoing
and undoing
and redoing
which requires our participation despite our inability to find a solution to it.
The heart will break in ways unimaginable; this is a result of life's manic bouts.
Celebrating the birth of a child on a Tuesday,
standing over the grave of a parent on a Friday...
As we know it, we are the only living organism which lives our entire life with the awareness of this thought-
that one day we will die.
and on the flip side of the same coin, we are the only living organism as we know it that can muse over the feeling of-
"my god, what a beautiful life this is".
In a way, it seems we spend our whole sum total seeking 'meaning' to this manic affair -
and creating distractions and solutions that are hills worthy enough for us to die on.
It's ok. We will find our way through this.
-and if not in this lifetime, maybe in another.
The truth is- it might be more simple than what we've made it out to be;
requiring but one thing from us- our full presence in the room.
-and in the lifetime when we finally understand that,
we might be able to navigate this world with a greater capacity for compassion
and a greater ability to hold it,
despite how manically it churns in our hands.
to be a woman
written: 4. 16. 2021
I learned what it meant to be a woman when I was 35.
It was the year I learned that I could harness my power and truly create life-
My life.
Little sprouts of life in others.
Life, like the organic substances around me:
Plants,
Small humans.
Life, like the energy in the air:
To be bright
To be love
To be dark
To be hate.
Life like the intangible:
The future
The unknown.
I learned what it meant to be a woman when I learned I could create life or death.
That the soil, rather rich and sweet or rocky and toxic
Could still produce a beautiful tree-
Like the trees that push through the concrete on my street -OR-
Like the plant that isn’t strong enough to grow no matter how rich it’s soil.
I had the power to be either.
I learned what it meant to be a woman when I learned that my next step was only mine and whatever direction I pointed, that would set my course.
I learned I had that power.
When reactions to emotions I believed to be warehouse settings,
I could watch coming at me like the motion in a matrix and I could hold them between my fingers like a bullet slowly whizzing towards my chest.
I learned what it meant to be a woman when I learned that my presence could produce or deflate life in others.
When that knowing, changed behaviors.
I learned what it meant to be a woman when I understood that even at my lowest, I was still WORTHY;
when I learned that I could not be diminished.
I learned what it meant to be a woman when on that spring day I stood with feet bare and wild hair in the wind and every version of me stood with hands outstretched, each on equal ground.
Identity.
media: shot 4. 10. 2025
poetry: written 10. 22. 2024
spectrums
For optimal reading experience, push ‘PLAY’ on video below for auditory component.
It’s fascinating how quickly silence transforms into symphony,
chaos combines into order, and death evolves into life.
-and because of this-
I find myself seeking out the silence as often as I can, studying the mastery of chaos, and intending to live towards death with the absence of fear.
…and I am coming to believe that the greatest Predator of Life is not death, rather- the greatest Predator of Life is fear.